You have given me a precious gift in agreeing to be reader of the letters I’ve been writing in my mind for the past 18 months. As only you know, this is a very special project for me and holds a significance that I hope will resonate beyond my mortal existence. I no longer question the apparent randomness of things and instead choose to be thankful for what I am starting to clearly recognize is a pattern of brilliant light born from the deepest of darkness, unimaginable purpose within maddening chaos, wisdom exclusively formed through the trials of ignorance and an appreciation of life only fully expressed through the consideration of death. I consider our connection to be one of the most precious kind; purposeful, part of a bigger plan of which we cannot possibly have comprehension, uniquely compatible based on a shared experience of disorientation, oppression, violation, confusion, rage, anguish and excruciating separation from our selves and our sexuality as a result of our experiences as we journeyed from young girls into women in modern world “Christian” America. We have, so to speak, been cut from the same fucked up mold.
Although we have never met in person, I believe our journeys are (and have always been) designed to intersect exactly as they have. And for this I am so grateful. To feel seen, to be recognized and to recognize myself in the thoughts and experiences of another has given me traction in this existence. I look forward to sharing my story with you in the hopes it will give you some traction in return. While some of what I will share with you will be dark and quite possibly triggering, rest assured that I have arrived at this point on my path weary but peaceful. I share the stories of the darkness with you so that you may appreciate the stories of the light – a passing of the torch, as you will, so that it might help you light your way as you continue on in your direction and I go mine.
As I told you tonight, I won’t always make sense and these letters will be raw unedited streams of consciousness but hopefully they will be worth your time in reading and give you some helpful insight that will keep you safe and shine a little light for you now or at some point in your future when you need it. In return you will be lightening my burden for my journey, allowing me to leave behind what I have carried with me for so many years but is no longer needed. A liberation of my light, a redemption of my darkness, a manifestation of my existence.
Thank you again for everything; for reaching out to me when you first introduced yourself, for your raw authenticity that has allowed me to return the same and for your gracious openness in agreeing to be the keeper of my secrets. I am so very grateful to have this moment to share with you as we meet and travel along on our journeys and I am honored by your kind acceptance of these stories.
Now let me see. Where should I start? I have so much I want to tell you…