I was correct in guessing that things were getting a “shifted” inside me when I wrote last. It is still so hard for me to accept when it’s happening even when I’ve already accepted that it does happen! What a conundrum, eh? I know what caused it this time too – I had the news slip into my news free lift and suddenly I am hearing about World War 3 and my mind said “Let’s figure out how to save the world and not sleep until we do!” From sleep deprivation I went to manic energy and I’m not 100% where I went from there for a while.
As often happens after a shift-y time, I came across a long memo on my phone that I don’t remember writing. It is essentially a rant against the US and, from this, I’m making the assumption the Angry Feminist was around for a while and was in a special kind of mood. I can’t say I disagree with the things said in the memo but I am glad it was a memo on my phone and not a status update on social media. It is my goal to “shine a light” on social media and not be one of those people posting darkness out there – already enough of those. This is definitely darkness and I would have regretted finding it on my profile. (So I need to make sure I tell the Angry Feminist “Thank you” for keeping this one tucked away – definitely an improvement over the past!). It’s a pretty long rant but I do feel these are words that need to be said, so I’ve copied it below. In a way, I wonder if I’m actually being a chicken shit by not posting it somewhere more visible. I mean…I do agree with it…
We can no longer allow arrogance, deception and greed to propel the US into unspeakable acts where lives of others are lost, families destroyed and the entire world shaken for the sake of our corporate profits and imperialist thirst for power over others and their resources to feed our gluttonous economy. If we cannot handle ourselves and our global dominance responsibly, then we should not be dominant nor will we remain so. History shows us that absolute power, corrupted absolutely, always falls. And history is coming for the US.
Some might call me “unpatriotic” not beating the drum of support for yet another act of aggression. Is it not unpatriotic to send soldiers on less than honorable missions, to leave them homeless when they return and to guarantee through the actions we initiate the ultimate destruction of the country for which they risk their lives? How was it possible for so many to accept and ignore the mistreatment of soldiers and veterans while also beating their drums of patriotism and cheering the decisions to send more soldiers out to kill and be killed? Why are so many US citizens fighting for the lives of the unborn but cheering an administration that makes decisions so easily to kill the born – the fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, sisters and brothers?
Why do we so insist on remembering 9/11 but choose to just ignore what the US has done to “honor” those Americans lost in the 2001 tragedy? Should we remember that day as an awful day on history when senseless violence tore a hole in our country’s fabric or do we continue to use that day as our excuse for blowing up the countries of brown Muslims in the Middle East until their oil reserves are gone? Yes, it was tragic that so many lives were lost on 9/11. Horrible. It should never happen again! But one sure way to make sure that something like that does happen again is to spend two decades retaliating for that one morning…by killing over 500,000 people in retaliation; half of them civilians! Why aren’t Americans talking about these numbers? Don’t their lives count, too? The average US citizen can’t even identify the countries we’ve invaded since 9/11 or find them on a map. This is how far we have been allowed to remain from our choices; for almost 2 decades and more than half a million deaths. This is US! This is how we have “honored” the victims of 9/11. And yet…we continue to believe we are “honoring” them and acting honorably because that’s what we’re told to believe. Unbelievable.
Our wars are not a matter of freedom. If they were, we would be free! We wouldn’t be a country of corporate slaves, indentured by student loans, working to the point of literal break down and raising children who shoot each other. We are not bad, we are broken. To be broken and to allow our brokenness to result in the death and destruction of others around the world while we continue to buy our toys and burn their oil….to be a country that has an economy that literally depends on war in order to be sustained….well…that’s just evil.
The United States is on the wrong side of history. History tells us the wrong side is always brought to reconciliation at some point. The question is, do we reconcile ourselves or do we get reconciled? These are the only two choices.
We must hold the mirror up in front of ourselves and ask the hard questions. We must answer these questions as if our lives, the lives of our children and even the whole world depend on our truthfulness; because they do! We can no longer allow ourselves to operate under this false image of ourselves and we must acknowledge and address the kind of collective we have become; that we are! We must forget about the pressure to surrender our intelligence and to conform to the illusion, to say things that are accepted, liked and “allowed.” Most of all, we must lose our fear; fear of speaking out, fear of losing friends, fear of being singled out, fear of being targeted and fear of being truthful. A battle for the heart and soul of a country cannot be won by the timid and the fearful.
Pretty angry, huh? Like I said before, I don’t disagree but I really just prefer to stay blissfully unaware of how things are going in the world. Just like “Nasty” exists to deal with all my troublesome sexuality, “Angry Feminist” apparently exists to deal with all my feelings about being a woman and an American who was raised an Evangelical Christian through the 70’s and 80’s and is taking her leave from the world at a time when everything is so completely fucked up. This is the part of me I’m the most reluctant to integrate. I like being oblivious to what’s going on. I like having my head in the sand. I like considering that my short time left here in this world makes world matters matter less to me. If I am successfully integrated, that will mean merging and becoming one with the angry intense and outspoken woman who wrote those words I copied above…and I barely have the energy to read those words, much less think them and write or say them!
When my son calls me with his anxiety about the state of the world, I always tell him that each generation has things that are less scary and things that are more scary than the generations that came before them. Today we are dealing with things my grandparents never could have even imagined would be our primary fears and concerns, but we’re not dying from the plague, from AIDs, from the crusades. America isn’t a slave owning country anymore. Music is available in an unprecedented fashion (can you imagine how much it would have cost 150 years ago to listen to music while you took a shower?), information is at our fingertips, we can travel anywhere we want to travel and see anything we want to see. And with communications technology, we can remain in close contact with the people we love, and even have face to face conversations with them, when we’re thousands miles apart. This list could go on an on. There are so many awful things from the past that humanity has overcome and so many new things that have come into our lives through technology and invention.
So yes…there are a lot of things fucked up (so seriously fucked up) in the world right now and it is hard to see these things getting any better for future generations. But I think there is still joy to be found every single day if we look around at what is in the world that is so good that we wouldn’t have access to or the pleasure of if we were living in a time when the things that are fucked up now weren’t fucked up yet. Does that make sense? I hope that it does because it is what I tell myself about why it’s okay to have traveled my journey at this point in time and to be seeing the things I’m seeing and not be scared or even sad to be seeing it.
Kind of like a “study in thankfulness” in hyperdrive – finding anything and everything for which I can be thankful to be alive in this day and age so that I don’t spend every moment in despair from the things I see around me today and foresee in the tomorrows for my children. What’s that you say? The world is burning up and there might be a new war this week? Check out how easily I can watch that movie that I really liked back in 1982 just by clicking on this button right here. And somehow, maybe it’s because I’m intentionally simple minded, but somehow that makes it okay until it isn’t…and then I just find something else to make it okay again. Even as I type that out I can see how it might not work for everyone but it works for me sometimes…and for each time it works and allows me to stop being so freaked the hell out by the state of things, I’m grateful. So very very grateful.
I woke up super early this morning and walked to the beach before the sun had even started to rise. The white sand has a glow to it even when there is no light and I decided that maybe, if I started walking by just the faint glow of the bright white sand, I could get a moment alone on “MY” beach before the snow birds showed up to take away my joy. It was a beautiful sunrise but an eerie trip to the shore! The tide was so low that the water was at 30-50 yards further away in some places than usual – essentially leaving large areas of ocean floor usually covered by water completely exposed. Not only was this part of the floor exposed, but there was a lot of creepy things that were lying on the ground dead or dying; having been left behind by the water’s (apparently) rapid retreat.
As I walked even further down the beach and the sun had started to rise, I looked out on the water and saw about 30 perfectly round and identically sized shiny black orbs sitting on the water – not moving and not looking like anything that could be easily explained away. I watched them for a while in the hopes they would move or I would see something that would help me see they were just weird birds or something else that wasn’t so freakish. After a while I just hightailed it back to the condo and tried to forget what I saw…so far I haven’t managed to. In trying to decide what the black orbs in the water were, I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities: (1) divers in full identical wetsuits who were meditating in the water with their heads all floating in exactly the same position above the water, (2) hefty bags filled with body parts dumped by a serial killer who was watching me watch them or (3) ninjas.
There. For an otherwise lacking post, that’s a life lesson I can share with you as I sign off. Ninjas. In life, when in doubt, always go with that last one. “Ninja,” no matter what, is always the right answer.