I’ve had such a difficult time writing for the past few months during the pandemic. Actually, that’s not true. I’ve been writing but my words end up sitting in the drafts because I’m pretty sure the federal police would be snatching me up in one of those unmarked vans I keep seeing in the news. Or maybe I’d be brought up on treason charges for expressing my opinions about the country in which I was born. Either way, I’ve decided to those words sit in my unpublished drafts and wait to post when I had some kinder or more positive words to write….it’s been a long wait.
Last month I left the Oregon Coast and traveled to the midwest and back west to the Rocky Mountains. This week, I’ll celebrate my 50th birthday in a ski resort; watching the sunsets and enjoying the crisp refreshing mountain air. As a gift to myself, I ordered a book titled “Writing Prompts for Depression & Anxiety” to see if I could combine a little self-therapy while making use of this paid wordpress subscription. I received delivery yesterday and while I was completely underwhelmed by the book itself, I’m hoping it’ll work some magic in extracting from me the helpful words that have been so illusive since covid-19 found its way into our world.
The first exercise is one that actually made me cringe a little. I’m supposed to list and write about my “5 greatest qualities.” Uhm…well…I’ve been told I give a good blowjob. I seem to have an uncanny ability to lose friends. Without even having to think about it, I can tell lies so convincingly that I start to believe them myself. I can pass gas that will clear a room and grow an impressive she-beard when my tweezers are packed away and unfindable. I can eat family size pizza and two quarts of ice cream in one evening if I’m alone and feeling depressed enough. And finally, most importantly, I can get men to want to marry me; having already had 3 husbands along with at least a dozen fiances I didn’t marry (staying married isn’t a strength of mine but I can reel them in!)
I’m pretty sure the author of my new book didn’t intent for me to sit here and list self deprecating qualities and actually wants me to dig deep and find positive things to say about myself. How does this help me, I wonder? Will I magically stop being passively suicidal if I detail how well I can….uhm…hmmm…I’m not even sure I can come up with a good example to ridicule. What good qualities do I have? Do I have any at all? Is this book, instead of lifting me up, going to be the confirmation of my worst fears? Will I find through this effort that I truly don’t have anything worth offering anyone besides a good BJ and a furry chin?
Let’s see…can I come up with 5 genuinely good things about myself?
I make pretty babies with kind hearts.
I have good hair.
I did not vote for Trump
I take good pictures of sunsets.
I know good music when I hear it.
There…that’s a start. I don’t feel less anxious or less depressed but I am going to post something on this blog tonight. And that feels like a good start.