Today’s writing prompt is “write down the biggest challenges you are facing right now.” LMFAO. How cute.
I had an emergency session with my shrink today after sending her this email:
I’m pretty sure the part of me who was a successful professional has rejoined me somehow but not fully. I still only sense the difference peripherally; like I’m having moments where I’m acting like my old self and I’m feeling the presence of another but not in any conjoined or communicative way.
I feel unstable and I’m confusing myself by making decisions (that need to be made) and then a day later feeling like I’m unfairly imprisoned by the choices I’ve made. I’m also experiencing a lot of grief and anxiety over my lost career and relationships. My last lover suddenly feels like a stranger (although I remember him and our time together) and I’m suddenly missing a woman I had a brief relationship with 10 years ago – right before the car accident and losing my career. I feel hopeless and overwhelmed by what my life is/has become.
I was amazed at how old my kids looked when they facetimed me for my birthday. I feel like I’m in some weird time continuum. I simultaneously feel like I’m both in the present with all my memories but also 10 years in the past with all the confusion (and shocked “anquish”) of seeing the present.
I’m trying to be engaged and present but all I want to do is go to bed and not be aware of what my life has become, how bleak my future looks and how lonely I am. When I’m awake, all I can think about is the time, things and people I’ve lost and it feels unbearable at times.
I’m dreaming every night now. All of my dreams are anxiety dreams and seem very real; as usual, exploring my deepest fears in detail in worst case scenarios. I’m not remembering them long after I wake up but the anxiety and overall weight of them remains with me throughout the day.
My creative writing skills still elude me but my term paper writing skills are on point again. I’ve started to wonder if I am even the me I’ve been the last ten years anymore and I feel like I’m stuck in one of my bad dreams. My life feels like an inescapable bad dream where everything has gone terribly wrong.
Still wishing I could check myself in somewhere but instead I’ve rented a super cheap place somewhere in the middle of Kansas for a month starting next week. I had hoped to wait until then to schedule an appointment with you but I need some guidance because every day is feeling harder than the day before.
Do you have availability for an appointment this week?
So that’s a pretty good summary of how I’m feeling right now – completely and utterly fucked by my time traveling mind and my life in general. My awesome therapist really did seem pleased to hear that I had rejoined my life. Apparently this in progress.
The part of me who managed to graduate with honors from undergraduate and graduate studies and even spent a little time earning a 4.0 in doctoral studies while also killing it in a professional IT career has returned. This part is a strong confident woman who was often described as “intimidating” by the 50+ men who worked for me in a desktop client support department. This part of me used logic and intelligence to glide past life’s pesky little “challenges” and was successful to the point of excellence. This part of me, in summary, was a total badass 10 years ago. Today this part of me is waking up to a life in which the career is gone, the children are grown, the friends are absent, the car repossessed and the house foreclosed. Today, this part of me is challenged by the task of staying alive through this horrible nightmare in which she has woken; homeless, broke and confused as fuck.
After 10 hard year of work on healing my mind, I’ve finally arrived at the start line. Having regained the part of myself that I lost in the car accident, I’ve become hyper aware of the time, people and progress that I’ve irrevocably lost to my madness. The challenges I’m facing right now?
Stay alive and find a way to live.
But perhaps I’ll start with a nap….or two.