Read the Fucking Profile, Asshat

This title isn’t “mine.” I mean…it’s mine but I have no memory of writing the title, the profile that followed it or the dating platform on which it was written. I stumbled across this little snarky prose today as I was browsing through files on my iCloud drive; looking for something else I’m sure I wrote but haven’t been able to find and perhaps never even wrote. Mine is truly a surreal existence. I must say this though, finding things like this make me hopeful. I look forward to integrating with the part of me that would write something like this on my behalf. She’s positively badass, imho.

About

A sometimes neurotic but usually mostly average woman who travels around the USA looking for the perfect sunset. 

I am all about authenticity. I don’t wear makeup, color my hair artificially or concern myself with “fashion” in any way other than comfort and functionality. I have an unapologetic level of honesty and spend zero moments of my life trying to impress anyone because I’m not interested in anyone who needs to be impressed to find the value in others. 

I’m not for the weak-minded, easily offended, emotionally insecure or pompously overblown.  I am complex in my simplicity and pointed in my assertions. I am here for quality conversation with new friends who can appreciate forward and unfiltered communication. Please do not message me if this isn’t what you’re seeking also.

 Requests

PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO READ

ALL of these requests are the direct result of the insanity that has come my way since I created my profile less than 24 hours ago. Please read through these and just politely move along if you don’t feel you can respect these important prerequisites to a conversation with me.  Otherwise, you’ll make my day a little less happy…and why would you want to do that?

If your profile says you are looking for flirting and romance, you have come to a dead end road with this profile and I’ll be deleting any messages from you in order to save us both time.  I don’t understand flirting because I am a straight-shooter with very little ability to comprehend subtlety.  Add that to my complete lack of desire to find romance and you have a recipe for me to say “Huh?” a lot and frustrate us both. 

If you are a citizen of the Unites States and you voted for and/or support the dangerously ignorant and soulless asshat in the White House, we have nothing to talk about and should just remain strangers in every possible sense.  Truly. 

If you don’t like to “be on here much” in order to get to know someone well before moving to another form of communicating, I’m going to disappoint you.  I promise, I will. I won’t be giving you my email address, finding you to chat on another platform or sharing my phone number.  If you persist in trying to persuade me otherwise, I will be giving you the email address from the last person who pressured me in the same way on there. Consider it a favor in matchmaking.

If you have pictures in your profile that show a fascination with your puffed up and nearly naked body, I will screenshot your arrogant ass and post the pictures on my blog where I will refer to your obvious need to compensate for something and will nickname you in the most emasculating way possible so that my friends and I can laugh about your ridiculousness for years to come.

Please call me by my name.[/b]  I don’t trust premature endearments and “dear,” “honey,’ “babe” or any other presumptuous familiarity will get you blocked right away.  Okay, “darlin’?”

Please invest some original thought and effort if you plan to introduce your existence to me. If the extent of your first message to me is simply ‘Hey,” “Hi’ or “How are you” and demonstrates a lack of effort and originality, I’ll demonstrate a complete lack of interest and you’ll be ignored. Please note, however, that if I’m feeling particularly snarky at the time you throw your flaccid greeting my way, I may egregiously toy with your emotions and mess with your mind before tossing you aside in a way will most likely leave you feeling bitter.  I’m not proud of this but it’s honest and gives you the forewarning I need to assuage any guilt I would feel otherwise.  Test me.  Please.

Please do not ask me for money.  I will pretend to go along with your scamming and encourage you to invest a tremendous amount of time and effort explaining to me how to get the money to you; acting confused and inept and using your greed to entice you into spending an extraordinary amount of time making a complete ass of yourself.  When I’ve grown tired of playing with you, I’ll report you and block you.  With glee.

Please don’t tell me your assessment of my appearance and expect me to to be flattered.  There are plenty of women out here who would love for you to tell them about how much you like the way their flesh looks stretched across their skull but I’m not one of them. I personally equate a focus on physical appearance with a lack of intelligence so “Hey, I think you’re cute” translates as “Hey, I’m shallow and lack the intelligence to see a person beyond their skull flesh.” If you speak of my physical appearance first off, I will immediately see you as weak in the head and, depending on my mood at the time, may decide to exploit that weakness for my entertainment.  Your call.

Please do no explain to me all of the way my profile is wrong and displeases you.  If you send me a message telling me how I need to reword my profile so that I am less “aggressive,” I’ll respond letting you know how you can build your self esteem so as to not be intimidated by a woman’s profile. If you write and explain to me how I can write it to get more attention by sounding more feminine, I’ll block you while cursing your existence..and your ability to breed.

Finally, if you’re a racist, fuck off.