Ah…So That’s What Happened

I found a note on my phone that I don’t remember writing. It was written in the middle of the night a couple of months ago….the night one of my alters took my body out on a Lyft ride for nicotine, caffeine, refined sugar and (apparently?) some hot nasty sex. Three out of four targets were acquired…

It was weird finding the note…I don’t remember writing it at all. Yes, it’s a good thing (in context) that I have more answers about my alter’s motivations in doing things without me. But it’s always unsettling to be reminded of the context itself. Like… I have accepted the diagnosis of having multiple personalities but it is still so spooky, so unbelievably unsettling, to see signs of having been absent while someone else was here…using my phone to leave me a note about it. 

Numerous times over the past eight hours, I have priced out the ride to the convenient store and back. There’s nothing I need from the store but there are many things I want.  Things that I want again, that is.  I have worked hard these last three years to give up the many things I thought I needed to give up, including caffeine and nicotine and chocolate.  And, of course, I miss my weed and my sex. Tonight, I want them all.  I want to drink. I want to smoke. I want to suck melted chocolate off my fingertips.  I want to feel the release of my mind as I smoke God’s psychotropic medics. I want to fuck somebody in a way that threatens to ruin us both.  

As I lie here thinking about reclaiming all my old joys and having a little reunion with those things I’ve always enjoyed so much I had the sudden thought of, “Why did I ever think it was best for me if I gave up all these things about myself that I have always enjoyed? “  Is it because I don’t have a car to drive me to the store anymore? Because I don’t have a hook up to buy my weed anymore? Because I feel old and fat and ugly and I don’t know how to find sex without my sex appeal?

I want so much to do all these things and maybe even find a little bud and smoke it  as the cherry on top of my sun sundae. The person I am in the mood I’m feeling these days, I really can’t understand why I gave it all up? Why did I give up everything I enjoyed do it? Why did I give up smoking so that I could live longer? I don’t wanna live. What did I give a chocolate, so I can eat better?  I like to enjoy what I eat and I really enjoy chocolate. Why don’t I have any weed here with me? I love to get high. And why in the world that I decide I needed to stop having sex? We’re never having gone more than 30 days without it most of my adult life including some of the years that weren’t quite adult, why am I now gone three years without feeling another’s touch?  When did I stop scratching like it with a variety of scratchers?

Well I’m sure there are days I’m very proud of myself for having to give up these things I enjoy so much and even understand the reason why I did. I’m certain they are all some very lofty achievements in therapy where I’m figuring it all out so I can live a longer life. A healthier life. A happier life. But right now, in this moment while I’m thinking and writing these words, I don’t wanna live a long life. I don’t wanna live a healthier life. And I have a happier life when I’m doing those things that make me happy which are, quite coincidently, the very things I’ve given up. So I’m going to be happy, why did I give up everything that made me happy in order to get the things I never wanted anyway?